Armchair Imagineering: Krampus Bobsleds

Before we begin, I just want to note that I’m basically kidding with this one.

Basically.

Mostly.

Sort of.

But it would still be pretty awesome, in an offbeat sort of way, if they did something like this.

By now you must have seen trailers and/or posters for Krampus, a horror-comedy film about a family whose holiday bickering attracts the notice of a demonic being determined to torture and/or murder some proper Christmas spirit into them. For all I know, you’ve seen the movie itself. I haven’t, because to me the very notion of Christmas-themed horror movies seems unpleasantly cynical. But it’s pretty cool that the character of Krampus is getting some recognition over here in the States. It does us USians some good, once in a while, to realize that just because people in other countries mark some of the same dates on the calendar doesn’t mean that they follow all the same traditions associated with those holidays that we do.

Short version: Krampus is a character from the Christmas folklore of the European Alps. Details vary, but the gist is that he is a literal demon “tamed” by Saint Nicholas and working as his enforcer...or the stick to his carrot, if you will. If you're good, St. Nick brings you gifts at Christmas. If you're bad, Krampus—with Nicholas's approval, mind you—comes and takes a birch rod to your butt. If you're really bad, he follows up the spanking by stuffing you into a basket and kidnapping you to...again, details vary. The point is that if you're a child in Switzerland, Austria, Bavaria, northern Italy, or Slovenia, and you don't behave yourself around Christmas, you can look forward to being dragged off to an unknown fate by this guy:

And you thought coal in the stocking was a rough deal.

So what if—hear me out here—what if during the holidays, Disneyland made use of this legend in its own Alpine setting, i.e. the Matterhorn? The ride is already about being pursued by a hostile monster, so what if they simply re-skinned the Yeti animatronics with black fur and horns, made similar changes to the projections on the lift, and added whatever signage would be necessary to complete the overlay?

The concept is so straightforward that I can't think of anything else to really say about it. But I can foresee some potential objections, so I'll try to head those off here.

Isn't this idea too dark for Disneyland?

Is it? Is death by slow immolation too dark for Disneyland?

Are suicide and serial murder too dark for Disneyland?

And might I remind you...these two rides have no height requirement. The Matterhorn has that at least. So I think this argument is a non-starter.

Disney would never create a ride with such blatantly religious imagery. It would be too controversial.

This objection is a little more realistic. Disneyland does usually try to avoid overtly religious themes in its attractions, so as not to appear to favor any one religion over any other. But they already make an exception for Christmas with the Candlelight Processional, so I'm not sure this argument is unassailable.

Now, the big difference here, obviously, is that the Candlelight Processional is about the Nativity story, with its angels and holiness, while Krampus is a demon, an actual spawn of Hell. It's a whole different can of worms. But I think even this potential for controversy could be minimized. Let's face it—the Americans who tend to squawk the loudest about Satan are those least likely to recognize cultural elements from other countries for what they are. So if they just didn't make too much of Krampus's demonic identity and let the ignorant mistake him for a run-of-the-mill monster, the risk of a backlash would be greatly reduced.

And honestly? Although he's described as a demon and acts as the heavy for a saint, Krampus doesn't have much to do with Christianity (or any other religion) per se. Santa Claus himself is usually considered a wholly secular figure despite also being very closely identified with Saint Nicholas. I don't think Krampus would be any more fraught than Mara over in the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.

Aren't there enough holiday overlays already?

I don't know, are there? More importantly, are holiday overlays a bad thing, necessarily? If you're one of the people whose Disneyland trips tend to coincide with the holiday season, and you're frustrated that so many classic attractions are effectively replaced by weirdness during that period...I sympathize, I really do. I also sympathize with people who never get to see the Christmas or Halloween variants because their trips are always in the summer.

But people who can only go once a year, during a particular season, are the slim minority. I don't think any other top-tier theme park in the world relies as much on regular, repeat guests as Disneyland. Even other Disney resorts are primarily tourist destinations. Applying temporary, superficial alterations to attractions throughout the year is a cost-effective way to get the same people to visit multiple times.

So seasonal makeovers are going to be a thing in the park. They might as well be an interesting thing, and a reference to genuine Christmas folklore from the part of the world that inspired an attraction in the first place strikes me as a lot more interesting than yet another flogging of trendy movie-based IP.

And if that doesn't convince you, remember what I said above about this particular overlay not being substantially different from the normal state of the ride.

So wait...are you kidding with this or aren't you?

I think I'm kidding? It's a fun thought experiment, anyway.

I don't have a snappy conclusion for this one, so I'll open the floor to all of you: What's your favorite bit of obscure-to-Americans Christmas folklore, and how could it be incorporated into Disneyland during the holiday season?