Armchair Imagineering: Villain Land

Back when I used to frequent various online Disney theme park forums, one recurring suggestion from the Armchair Imagineers present was some sort of “Villain Land” or “Villain Mountain”—a themed area devoted to the Disney Villains. As I recall, the idea was almost never developed beyond that basic concept—those proposing it didn’t really know what they wanted, but they sure had a mighty need for it.

Well.

I’m an Armchair Imagineer myself, not an armchair psychologist, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and suggest that what these young people—because they were always young people, teens and early twenties—actually wanted was for Disney to validate their fandom as young adults. They hadn’t grown out of their childhood love of Disney but had reached an age where they were starting to be embarrassed about it, so they gravitated to the “darker and edgier” aspects of the brand—the Haunted Mansion, The Nightmare Before Christmas…and the Villains.

I bet a lot of them shopped at Hot Topic.*

My point is that the vagueness of the “Villain Land” idea is probably because it wasn’t coming from a place of Armchair Imagineering inspiration, but a simple desire to have something at Disneyland that the young adults could enjoy unself-consciously. If it gets around at school that you went to Disneyland and rode “it’s a small world,” you’ll be a laughingstock…but if it gets around that you went to Disneyland and rode, uh, the Malefi-coaster, no one will even bat an eye, because Maleficent is badass and was played by the sexy Angelina Jolie that one time.

Personally, I don’t think a Villain Land would work all that well. It’s not that the idea of a place where the Villains reign supreme lacks appeal—it would basically be a dark mirror of Fantasyland—but the execution would have to be bold in order to find its audience, and Disney's handling of its crossover brands has historically been anything but bold. Crossover might not even be the right word for Villains, or its innocent counterpart Princess—when was the last time you saw any merch for either that had the characters from different films interacting, as opposed to just existing side-by-side?

I can guarantee you, the sort of people to be interested in a hypothetical Villain Land would want interaction. They would want worldbuilding.** They would want to be heavily reminded of Fantasmic! and/or Kingdom Hearts. And I don't trust Disney's willingness to take the necessary creative risks in providing these things.

But what if...?

What if, instead of a mere Armchair Imagineer, I were an actual Imagineer, getting paid for it, and in fact I were advanced enough to be put in charge of designing the Villain Land project? How would I make the most of the opportunity? 'Tis true, you cannot make of a sow's ear a silk purse, but surely some kind of functional container, presumably made of rawhide, is possible?

That apocalyptic shattering sound you just heard was my knuckles cracking as I get to work!

One of the challenges of developing a Villain-themed anything is deciding which Villains to feature. Nearly every animated Disney film, regardless of setting or genre, includes at least one mean-spirited antagonist making life difficult for the protagonists, and most of them have been featured on Disney Villains branded merchandise at one time or another. However, of the long list of “official” Villains, probably less than half of them are well-known by the mainstream or even considered to be “proper” Villains by the fans. In popular usage, “Disney Villain” refers to an aesthetic as much as to a combination of IP owner and literary function. The prominent Villains share certain traits: they are obviously and unapologetically evil, flashy or flamboyant, and dress primarily in black, purple, and/or red. Being the antagonist of a fairy tale or fantasy story helps, but is not strictly necessary—Cruella de Vil is generally considered a top-tier Villain despite being grounded in contemporary realism.

The “surprise twist” baddies from the most recent films are almost never considered to be true Disney Villains. Certainly they have never been featured on merch, because that would spoil the movies. (This is probably in itself a good reason to lay off that trend for a while.)

For our purposes, it's probably best to focus on the handful of Villains that make everyone's cut. The others can have merch in the shops, can make appearances as costumed characters, and so on, but the big attractions and fixtures will belong to the dark stars.

Forbidden Mountain

The anchor attraction for Villain Land is a thrill ride: a roller coaster based on the premise of escaping from Maleficent's dark fortress as the Good Fairies and Prince Philip do at the climax of Sleeping Beauty. It is the very same ride I describe in some detail at the end of this post.

The dedicated queue area, which can hold up to two hours' worth of standby guests, is themed as a progression through dark and twisted woods, dismal rocky mountain terrain, and the fortress itself. The load/unload area resembles a grand hall with Maleficent's throne on a dais and and scores of torches burning green. The roller coaster cars are abstract in design, with subdued magenta, blue, or green coloration.

The ride begins relatively slowly, passing through corridors and dungeon cells. We can see the shadows of goons on the walls and hear, in some distant room, Maleficent taunting Philip. Then it rounds a corner onto a straightaway that leads outside, latches onto an overhead track, and a magnetic launch has the train zooming off to the main portion of the ride, winding around the towers and bridges of the fortress exterior while various special effects pop out to the sides of the track to threaten riders. Finally, the train encounters Maleficent, in her dragon form, perched on a bluff. She spews fire (mist backlit with bright green lights) at the train, which tears past in the nick of time, rejoins the lower track, and comes to a stop back inside the fortress.

The exit queue passes through Villain Land's largest shop (see below).

Cave of Wonders Gifts

A large(ish) shop—about on par with the China Closet in terms of square footage—selling all manner of Villain-themed souvenirs: toys, knickknacks, pins, coffee mugs, what-have-you. (Clothing can be found in a different shop.) There are two ways to enter the shop. As mentioned above, the exit from Forbidden Mountain debouches into it, and there is also the main entrance, molded in the shape of the Cave of Wonders from Aladdin.

The interior looks like a cavern dotted with piles of treasure (the display shelves). In one corner stands a monkey idol holding a giant ruby, which if touched triggers an ominous growling sound. Behind the checkout counter, a tall pedestal holds a recognizable genie lamp...but this lamp is jet black, the one Jafar became trapped in when he wished to become a genie!

Cruella Couture

This, then, is the clothing shop. It's decked out like a high-end fashion boutique, but the actual merchandise is pretty common—shirts, hats, and a sampling of costume accessories, all with a Villainous vibe. Wherever there is a bit of empty wall space, expect to find a framed sketch of one of Cruella's lush fur designs.

Captain Hook Vs. Ursula Dueling Ships

Who really rules the Seven Seas—the captain of the Jolly Roger, or the Mistress of the Deep? There's only one way to find out!

From a certain perspective, this is actually two rides. Guests decide whether to get in line for the Captain Hook side or the Ursula side. The two versions board on opposite sides of a large body of water; the vehicles resemble little sailing ships and seat six apiece. Hook's ships are pristine with gold trim, while Ursula's display cracked timbers and hulls encrusted with sea creatures. Both sorts, however, have rows of pressure-sensitive targets along the sides, and both have one swivelable water cannon per seat. The boats run along two separate tracks that meander parallel to one another, with the two “teams” moving in opposite directions so that “enemy” boats pass each other every minute or so. The riders' goal is to shoot the targets on opposing boats with their water cannons—a successful hit causes the boat struck to wirelessly signal the hit back to the boat that scored it. At the end of the ride, the boat transmits the score to a master scoreboard.

Scores for both “teams” accumulate over the course of the day, with the winning Villain named Ruler of the Seven Seas in a short ceremony at dusk. (The ride can continue to run after that with proper lighting, but the scores will no longer accumulate.)

It's definitely cheesy, but theme parks are all about the interactivity these days.

Her Imperial Majesty's Red Rose Labyrinth

If Disneyland Paris gets an Alice in Wonderland-themed hedge maze, I don't see why we can't have one. It's actually not much of a maze, more of a classic labyrinth—a single winding path—with some short side branches. People can't really get lost in it, which is almost a pity since there's so much to see, from heart-shaped rosebush topiaries to mild jump-scare effects triggered along some of the side paths, mostly in the form of playing card soldiers and other sinister denizens of Wonderland. Finally passing through the exit gate triggers a bellow of “OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!” and the swish of the executioner's axe.

A Taste of Evil

Villain Land's major eatery is a buffet on the scale of the Plaza Inn or French Market, but the real fun is in the menu—every item references a famous Villain! Stopping by for breakfast? Try Gaston's Big Ham-and-Cheese Omelet, made with three eggs instead of five dozen, but still very filling and energizing for the day ahead. On the other hand, if you're watching your ladylike figure, a Tremaine Salad (with low-fat French dressing) might be just the ticket. For dinner, the signature item is the Scar-B-Q Wildebeest Ribs (actually beef). Other items include Ursula's Deep Seafood Platter, Chernabog Stroganoff, and—of course—Kronk's Spinach Puffs. Wash it all down with a glass of fizzy, tangy “Poison” Apple Punch!

Black Magic Theater

What would Villain Land be without a live performance venue to give these baddies the attention and drama they love so much? The Black Magic Theater is no Hyperion—it's more on the scale of Tomorrowland Terrace—but with so many magnificent Villains to lend their talents, there's no end to the dark and fabulous shows that can be put on up to five times a day.

Major Villains have their own dressing rooms where they do meet-and-greets between shows.

And with that, I have exhausted my Armchair Imagineering creativity for another week. But I'll leave you with one more thought:

Imagine how rad Villain Land would be during Halloween season!

* Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

** And they would want it to be loads more believable than, say, Pixar Pier, which expects us to accept that beings as disparate as a Himalayan cryptid, a living action figure, and a mental construct personifying a young girl's anger all know each other well enough to go in on the same business together. No, really.