Imagineering Theory: Marvel-ous Developments

So…some pretty infuriating news regarding the Tower of Terror broke at San Diego Comic-Con. So let’s talk about that. We can be rational adults about this, can’t we?

Yeah, I’m pretty pissed about this “Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission SPACE Breakout!” thing. And not just because it represents yet another middle finger to the very concept of area theming in the name of spamming profitable film IP. I’m actually very fond of Guardians of the Galaxy; in fact, it’s the only entry in the MCU that I own on video. But this is…just a really bad idea on multiple levels.

To begin with the obvious, it’s not as though Tower of Terror is underperforming! It’s probably the most beloved ride in the entirety of California Adventure—while Radiator Springs Racers garners much longer lines (not without reason), Tower of Terror has an actual fandom. It’s basically DCA’s equivalent to the Haunted Mansion and its equivalent to Space Mountain, combined in one top-notch, well-themed, area-appropriate attraction. It boggles the mind to think that Disney would throw away that kind of goodwill in order to take a chance on something like Guardians, which—while not without a following of its own—is hardly the most prominent of the Marvel properties.

And here's the really, monumentally dumb thing about it all. This isn't the first Marvel content to come to the Disneyland Resort—some perfunctory Avengers stuff has been in Tomorrowland for a few years now.

Avengers in Tomorrowland.

Guardians of the Galaxy in Hollywood Land.*

Is it just me, or is that completely backwards?

The Avengers films are a contemporary Hollywood phenomenon. They've made people get excited about going to the movies again. They run on star power—without the crowd-pleasing presence of Robert Downey Jr. and Scarlet Johansson, they might not have found a mainstream audience outside the ranks of comic book geeks. (Conversely, the two biggest names in Guardians of the Galaxy—Glenn Close and Vin Diesel—are in a minor role and doing voice-overs, respectively). They have ties to places in California—Tony Stark lives in Malibu, while Captain America is linked to Peggy Carter, who operates out of Los Angeles.

On the other hand, Guardians, while technically taking place in the present, is set in an entirely futuristic alien society with casual space travel, fantastically advanced cybernetics, and even uplifted animals. It may be a wacky sci-fi adventure, but there's some genuine futurism on display, and it would be a great way to bridge the themes of classic Tomorrowland with those of current Tomorrowland** while satisfying the suits' demand for IP presence.

This must be why they haven't done it that way. Because that would actually make sense, and enhance the theming of both areas, and improve the overall experience of both parks, and I'm honestly starting to think Upper Management wants to dismantle the whole idea of area theming so that they'll be free to slap whatever, wherever in accordance with the whims of the moment. And once they are no better than Universal Studios, the pressure will be off to be better, and the slacking can just snowball.

It would completely destroy the Disney parks over time, of course, but these bozos have completely forgotten how to look past their own end-of-year bonuses.

I'm sorry. This whole thing has me feeling extremely cynical. I remember months ago, when the rumors about this started running around, I and many others thought, “No way. Even the current crop of jerks would not do something this stupid.” And now the stupid is coming to pass, and it's very unsettling to think about what might be next.

Time to escape for a bit into an alternate timeline where they decided to do it right.

Time for a little light Armchair Imagineering.

I don't have many ideas for putting the Avengers in Hollywood Land. Maybe a stunt show? A dark ride replacing Monsters, Inc. (which really doesn't belong)? I'll leave this one to someone who has actually, you know, seen all of the movies in that sprawling continuity.

I'll look at Guardians of the Galaxy in Tomorrowland. First of all...it can wait. A sequel is coming out; this property isn't falling off the radar any time soon. Which major Tomorrowland attraction footprint is going to be rendered redundant in a couple of years? That's right:

I really have it in for this ride, don't I?

Once there is no need to have this in Tomorrowland because the whole franchise has its own playground in the northwest corner of the park, the infrastructure left behind would be pretty much ideal for converting into a Guardians attraction. A simulator ride might work even better for that IP than it does for Star Wars—one of the weaknesses of Star Tours is that you go to all these far-out places but don't get to leave the ship and explore them at all. With Guardians, you can focus a little more on the madcap character stuff happening inside the ship and leave the extraterrestrial environments as window scenery.

So first things first: re-dress the simulator cabins in the style of the interior of the Milano—sort of a used space cruiser by way of a 1970s bachelor pad:

Now for the pilot. Peter Quill AKA Star-Lord owns the Milano, but I don't think audio-animatronic technology is quite capable of replicating a human figure that will stand up to several minutes of scrutiny in close quarters. So let's go with the least humanlike—and incidentally the most popular—Guardians: Rocket Raccoon and Groot. Put Rocket at the controls and Groot off to the side, so they can play off each other for that instant comedic contrast.

But why are they in charge? Well, that suggests the premise for a story—let's say Star-Lord has been considering running a passenger service for extra cash, and this is a test of the premise...only Star-Lord himself was nowhere to be found when the passengers started showing up. Rocket has no interest in either babysitting or transporting us, but he'll sure as shootin' drag us along while he goes looking for the absent captain in order to straighten things out.

That's all the excuse we need for a randomized adventure in the vein of Star Tours: the Adventures Continue, with less in the way of showing off locations and more in the way of Rocket's non-stop snarking. His foul mouth would have to be toned down for the family setting of a theme park, but I'm okay with that. Here are just a few possibilities for memorable incidents:

• Something occurs which is designed to elicit a vocal response from the guests. Rocket whirls around and says “I heard that! Who said that?!” It's not quite interactivity, but it's a reasonable facsimile.
• Agents of Ronan the Accuser, Thanos, or another villain attack the Milano, forcing evasive action.
• Star-Lord contacts the ship and demands to know where it is—he had only stepped out for a moment and returned to discover it gone! Bonus points if Rocket is having too much fun joyriding to return it (and us) just yet.
• Groot releases glowing spores—a few are physical props on wires attached to the animatronic figure, but most of them are 3D images on the screen, so they appear to float around the cabin. In general, the Groot figure could be given surprising functions such as extending vines, sprouting flowers, telescoping legs so it can appear to grow, etc.

There—wouldn't that be better than robbing us of the Tower of Terror? Why does it take us untrained rank amateurs to come up with these ideas?

* Yes, we know they plan to use the repurposed tower as the jumping-off point for an entire Marvel area in DCA, but you may be sure that will happen piecemeal and there will be a good chunk of time where the Guardians are considered part of Hollywood Land.

** Insofar as current Tomorrowland even has a theme.