A funny thing happened about five minutes after I submitted last week's post. I suddenly remembered that when Kingdom Hearts
was new—well, newer than it is today*—I actually had a silly idea
for a “Kingdom Hearts tour,” where you would visit attractions in
the same order as you visit the corresponding “worlds” in the
game.
And...why not? I'm distracted this week, it's been a while since I
offered up any Unauthorized Fun,
and we're just entering the time of year where you can actually
experience this ride plan to its fullest extent. So here it is: The
Disneyland Resort Kingdom Hearts Tour!
You
know what I haven't talked about in a good while? Video games.
I
like video games. I want to say I love them, but in all honesty? If I
truly loved them I'd probably play more of them. Keeping on top of
the medium takes a serious investment of time and money that I'm just
not willing to put in. It would too greatly hamper my ability to
pursue everything else I do...including this blog. I'm usually
vaguely aware of the latest developments in the industry, but the
most advanced console in my personal possession is...a PlayStation 2.
But
that's okay. You know what I can play on a PS2? Kingdom Hearts.
I've mentioned before that there are many similarities between
playing a video game, especially one with a “sandbox” structure,
and visiting a theme park. The games in the Kingdom Hearts series are
not very sandbox-y, but they are especially comparable to a
Disneyland visit, and not just because of the whole Disney
mega-crossover thing. Game progression in this series revolves around
traveling to a succession of “worlds,” like miniature planets,
each a unique setting with its own theme and quirks. In the first
game alone (the one I own and the only one I am especially familiar
with—see above), the playable worlds include a tropical
island, a gorilla-inhabited
jungle, an underwater
realm, a spooooooky
haunted realm, a pseudo-futuristic/steampunk/magepunk
palace, Wonderland,
Neverland, and the
100-Acre Wood.
Kingdom Hearts II adds a fairy
tale castle, a pirate
cove, a world of
classic cartoons, and a virtual
reality computer world, among others. I can't keep track of all
the prequels and interquels and whatnot cluttering up the franchise,
but the third proper installment is due to be released next
year, and...guys?
There's theme park in it.
One of the game's special features will have the hero summon ride
vehicles—actual ride vehicles, ranging in type from a Big
Thunder Mountain train to a pair of spinning Teacups—and ride in
them to gain advantages during battle sequences. As a charming bonus,
the vehicles show up outlined in little colored lights, à
la Electrical Parade floats:
Disney's most ambitious and unique concept has finally been included
in what is probably its most successful video game franchise. I'm
surprised the park fans aren't talking about it more.* But it's not
really fully integrated, is it? The “summons” in these
games are fun, but they're basically cameos. They're not part of the
story. The stuff that matters in these games is bound up in
the various worlds you travel to and the native characters you meet
there.
You can probably tell where I'm going with this. Just for fun, here's
some completely speculative fanwank on my part about how certain
Disneyland attractions might fit into the Kingdom Hearts series as
actual worlds. Naturally, there's more to consider than just “Is
this cool?” Ideally, a world for this game franchise should
combine:
A
striking setting
Potential
unique gameplay elements
Potential
thematic enemy types/bosses
Characters
who can be your allies
Even of the existing worlds, not all of them hit all four points, but
most of them hit at least three, and the exceptions are typically
uniquely positioned within the plot—for instance, in the first
game, “End of the World” contains no allies, but that's because
it's the last dang stage in the game, described as a
conglomeration of destroyed worlds—what friendly character could
reasonably be expected to show up there?
Let's
be perfectly clear: Most animated
Disney movies are not
“Princess movies.” Run the numbers, and you’ll find that a
protagonist in the Disney Animated Canon is much more likely to be
some kind of non-human animal than a young lady of royal disposition.
If not both...
But
the Princesses are probably the most collectively visible characters
under the Disney banner, and not just because they have a merchandise
brand. And there are quite a few of them, especially when you expand
beyond the fairly restrictive boundaries* of said brand. They are
perhaps the quintessential Fantasyland characters, but are so popular
for meet-and-greets that Fantasyland alone cannot contain them. Not
only do Princesses pop up in other parts of Disneyland and even
across the way in California Adventure, but Fantasyland itself
annexed a chunk of Main Street in order to host the Princesses in
Fantasy Faire.
So
here's an idea that's kinda fun and silly: Can we assign each
land in the Disneyland Resort its very own, focus-tested,
thematically or at least situationally appropriate Princess? And by
we, I of course mean
I. I have too much
respect for you to ever accuse you of finding enjoyment in something
this self-referentially nerdy.
It
should go without saying, but I am not
restricting this project to the “official” Disney Princesses, or
even the official Princesses plus the few characters that everyone
assumes will become official sooner or later. That wouldn't be
enough, in terms of raw numbers or variety of character types.
Instead, I am taking into consideration official Princesses, presumed
future official Princesses, and
characters from theatrical releases who are referred to as princesses
and/or presumed to be princesses in-universe. Basically, if fans are
prone to wondering why a character isn't
included in the brand, we can give her an honorarium for the purposes
of this post.
“...a sound broke
out over the gently rippling water. In fact it was a sound that they
had heard several times since entering Frontierland without thinking
anything of it…because never during fifty years of their
experience, except for comparatively brief stretches involving
maintenance, had Frontierland been without it. It was almost
background noise, a sound they took for granted. Its absence would
have been a deafening clamor.
It was the low, mellow
blast of the steam whistle on a paddlewheel-driven riverboat.”
– Crowns of the Kingdom
Chapter 6, “Weirdness in the Wild West”
It
may be the height of arrogance to quote one's own writing, but while
planning this post and trying to come up with the best way to explain
what it has been like to be without the Mark Twain—and
the Columbia and the
Disneyland Railroad and the rest—since January of 2016, I realized
that...I already had. Their absence has been a deafening clamor.
Disneyland isn't quite itself without these 100% classic
attractions...particularly the steamboat and steam train, Opening Day
originals.
It's
been especially disconcerting because we've known the whole time that
when they re-opened, these rides would be drastically—and
permanently—altered. New construction around the edges of the park
has affected the Disneyland Railroad before, of course, but never
quite on this scale. We've been hearing a lot about how the train now
turns left for the
first! time! ever! as if that were something genuinely exciting. Me?
I wasn't sure anything could make up for the fact that Tom Sawyer
Island and the Rivers of America themselves have been truncated
in order to free up land for Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge.
So
now that I've seen it all...how is it? So glad you asked...
