Some Pet Peeves

As much as I love Disneyland, there are some things about it that just...bug me. They aren't travesties. They aren't even necessarily negatives, objectively speaking. They just bug me. This post is going to be somewhat ranty—a Disneyland Dilettantrum, if you will—but given the nature of most of the pet peeves, consider it a plea for additional creativity.

Pet Peeve #1: Does Ariel Have to Be In Every Parade?

A Christmas Fantasy Parade, 1997-present (seasonal)

Parade of Stars, 2000-2005

Walt Disney's Parade of Dreams, 2005-2010

Mickey's Soundsational! Parade, 2011-2017

Paint the Night Parade, 2015-present

I mean, I get it. The Little Mermaid was a smash hit that put Disney back on the map, the music is great, and Ariel is still one of the most popular Princesses. I just don't see why that means every full-fledged parade since 2000 or so needs a Little Mermaid float. She's even in the Christmas parade (in human form), ballroom dancing with the other Princesses, and I think that right there demonstrates why it's so odd to me that she usually has her own unit.

Ariel is part of the Disney Princess brand, which is one of Disney's biggest merchandising brands and definitely their main “girl” franchise. It makes sense to me that the Princesses nearly always get their own parade unit. What makes less sense to me is that Ariel then gets a separate one.

Let me try this from another angle. If you're a regular reader of this blog, you know that my favorite things at Disneyland are the things that were born there (or in another Disney theme park)—the rides and concepts that are unique to the theme parks and were designed for that medium. I am less interested in the stuff that originates from movies—that stuff is everywhere, all the time, every day, and I own most of them on video—but it feels more “Disneylandish” to me when lines of commonality are drawn between different movies. The Lion King is just The Lion King, but put it together with The Jungle Book and Tarzan and Moana and you've got something approaching Adventureland. For example.

In that sense, for the Princesses to share a parade unit feels like an extension of Fantasyland, while a separate Ariel unit feels like a hypothetical single-IP land for The Little Mermaid. Even then, it probably wouldn't bother me if it didn't keep happening, in parade after parade. It's at the point where the Ariel unit is something of a default setting, and Imagineering should never just go with the default.

Pet Peeve #2: Overused Songs

I laugh bitterly whenever someone claims to “know all the Disney songs.” No. No, they do not. I doubt if anyone knows all the Disney songs, considering a) how long the company has been around, b) how prolific it has been, especially in the last 30-odd years, and c) what a huge role music has played in its productions since the beginning. Silly Symphonies, anyone? Even only considering the Disney Animation Canon and the more well-known live-action musical films (which are what most people are actually referring to), that's still hundreds of songs. Sure, you can belt out “Hakuna Matata” and “Be Our Guest” and “Let It Go” without a stumble, but what about “Looking For Romance”? What about “Portobello Road”? What about “Streets of Gold”? Do you even recognize those titles? DO YOU???

But I digress. The point is that there are a lot of Disney songs...so why do the same dozen or so keep popping up in area music loops, parades, and fireworks shows? It's the Ariel-in-all-the-parades problem again (in fact one of the offenders is “Under the Sea”). I doubt it's a case of certain musical films being really well-known and popular while the rest have fallen by the wayside—although that is a factor—because even within movies that have all-around excellent soundtracks, it's typically the case that one or two uber-catchy songs get lots of play and the rest are largely ignored.

And that miffs me. It's like...guys...use your assets. I understand the temptation of the “nothing but hits” philosophy, but no one is going to demand a refund just because the fireworks included a song that's not already on their ten-year-old's iPod. Even from a purely mercenary standpoint, you must be aware that spamming songs people love enough to have already bought them, is no way to sell more songs. Over in the Disney theme parks music archival community, there's a special joy in seeing someone go “I didn't recognize the one that starts at 11:37 in the loop, but I really like the tune; what's it from?” and getting to introduce (or re-introduce) them to its source. Walt Disney Records has probably gotten more than a few album sales that way. You could do it more often. You could.

Pet Peeve #3: “Another Kind of 'Ear'”

Okay, I take it back. This one is a travesty, and whoever came up with it is a linguistic monster and should be run out of Anaheim with torches and pitchforks. At a certain point in the current narration for the Disneyland Railroad, the recording informs you that the train is moving “from the front-ier to another kind of 'ear'”...because it's approaching Toontown Station. GET IT? 'EAR'? LIKE MICKEY'S... OH HO HO THE JOLLITY! MY THIGHS ARE SORE FROM THE SLAPPING!

I mean it's just...so...bad. Who approved that joke? Why did they approve it? What is the point of including such a brain-meltingly horrific pun? Let's hope whoever is responsible for this nightmare doesn't work the Jungle Cruise.

And speaking of the Jungle Cruise...

Pet Peeve #4: The Mother-in-Law Joke

We've all heard it a dozen times. The African bull elephant is the second most feared animal in the jungle, because the most feared is...his mother-in-law.

Jungle Cruise? Please stop it. My objections to the previous three things are primarily aesthetic, but this one actually rubs me in the wrong way in the ethical dimension. Mother-in-law jokes are only funny if you go in assuming that marriage, and hence the acquisition of a mother-in-law, is a bad thing. They're inherently sexist, which is something I have no patience for, and I don't think that's the right tone for the Jungle Cruise.

There are other jokes for the elephants that are much funnier. Like the one about how rare they supposedly are, or the one where it speaks on the skipper's command. Good stuff.

Pet Peeve #5: The Compass Points in Mickey and the Magical Map

Assigning the Jungle Book segment to the East makes sense, because India, where the film takes place, is generally considered to be part of “the East.” But the other three are out of whack. “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride” should be in the West because of geography and “Under the Sea” should be in the South because of the abundant tropical imagery. That leaves the Princess medley for the North, but that's all right because all three movies featured take place in temperate climes where it snows in the winter.

Thank you for bearing with me while I got this stuff off my chest.