After-Action Report: So How Is It? (PotC Changes)

So it's happened. Pirates of the Caribbean, the Anaheim original, the bestest theme park ride ever made, has been altered. Forever.

I mean, it's not the first time or anything, but this renovation seems to have gotten people hotter under the collar than earlier ones. The 1997 revamp—the one that changed the post-auction scene so that the pirates were after food rather than...um...romance—garnered a lot of eye-rolling,* but I don't remember much in the way of sackcloth and ashes. Even the addition of all the movie franchise stuff in 2006 didn't have theme park fans tearing their hair out to quite the same extent. Was the original auction scene just that beloved? Did the fact that feminism (boogie boogie!) was involved get people's hackles up?

Regardless, what's done is done. And now that I've seen it, I can share some informed thoughts on the matter.

First, it must be noted that the redesign of the auction scene was not the only big change made to the ride. There were others...but they didn't involve feminism (boogie boogie!) and so attracted much less controversy. (Also one of them was uncontroversial to begin with because it's inarguably a net positive.)

Skeleton Helmsman

Ha ha, surprise! This scene didn't actually change! I include it in the post because it was changed on the ride in Disneyland Paris (replacing the Helmsman with Captain Barbossa), and right up until I saw the dang thing a couple weeks ago, I wasn't sure ours wouldn't get the same treatment. And that would have been a crying shame, because the Helmsman is probably the most iconic single figure in the ride. It's certainly in the top five; my argument for it being #1 is that it, out of all the figures on the ride, was deemed recognizable enough to be used in the image for the very first teaser poster for the film franchise:

So THANK YOU to WDI for leaving this scene intact for us!

Warning Voices

Imagineering giveth, and Imagineering taketh away. Usually, one presumes, at the insistence of Upper Management. But sometimes Imagineering giveth back.

I, like most theme park enthusiasts, was never a big fan of the Davy Jones (and sometimes Blackbeard) mist screen in the tunnel. It detracted from the spooky simplicity of the sequence as originally presented—just vaguely threatening voices in the pitch blackness—in order to go “Look! Characters!” when it really wasn't needed.** And that's when it was working properly, which became more hit-or-miss as the years went by.

Also, the equipment often dripped on my head.

In any case, that disappointing bit of puffery has been removed, and the original voice tracks reinstated. Huzzah!

I am less definitively sanguine about the rest of what has been done to the tunnel, however...

Transforming Pirate

Okay, I'll admit that the transformation effect itself is really spiffy. You won't even have to twist my arm or anything. I won't spoil how it's done for those who prefer to maintain the mystery, but I will say that it's delightful in its simplicity.

That aside, the scene itself is...not entirely effective. I'm pretty sure the intent is supposed to be: These pirate skeletons have been showing subtle signs of life, and now whoosh! One of them comes alive before your very eyes, and now you're going to be among the breathing and kicking pirates! The main problem with that is that the “living” version of this pirate isn't very...lively. He blinks a little. It's not exactly a dramatic transformation, is what I'm saying. It skirts the edge of the Uncanny Valley.

Also, I'm not entirely sure where his legs are.

Also, what's up with the octopus?

It's not that this scene wasn't put together with the best of intentions, it's just not what the ride needed. Maybe the basic concept would have worked better in another location? I dunno.

The New Auction Scene

All of the above are side dishes; now we get to the main course: the reimagined, 100% less sex-trafficky auction scene.

First the bad news: the critics are absolutely right in that this scene is nowhere near as witty nor as easy to read at a glance as the original. Anything new at a theme park will be weakened when it has to fit into the same infrastructure as its predecessor, and this is no exception—there are still victimized townsfolk lined up for the auction, but since it is their belongings and not them personally who are up for sale, it takes a beat longer to get it.

Another criticism I've seen is that the new version of the redhead, now named Redd and very clearly a pirate in her own right, looks too realistic to fit comfortably alongside the caricatures that typify the ride. This is also true (and is one of the problems with the inclusion of the film characters), and unlike the layout issues, which have a definite cause, I'm not sure why the designers didn't go ahead and make Redd a caricatured beauty like her predecessor.

That said, it's not a complete waste. As I've mentioned before, it really was no longer acceptable to present an extended joke about sex trafficking with the victims as the punchline. In the new scene, the joke is still on the pirates' victims, but now they are aristocrats who are “merely” being robbed and humiliated (and if that isn't the biggest mood for 2018...), which puts an entirely different spin on the situation. Redd is instantly iconic in her new form, and Disney is leaning in to the idea by adding a face character of her to New Orleans Square.*** Also she's voiced by Grey DeLisle, whose work in cartoons I generally admire, so it's nice to see her get a high-profile gig like this.

There is one thing about the scene that legitimately bothers me, and that's that “We wants the redhead!” has been left in the dialogue. Presumably this was done as a sop to the fans who were distraught over the scene being changed in the first place, but if you ask me, the line is about ten times creepier in the new context. Auctioning off human beings is about as unsavory as it gets, but having established that as your scene, there's nothing extra-awful about the bidders trying to hurry things along to the most sought-after lot. On the other hand, an auction of furniture and livestock that the bidders keep trying to turn into the other kind? Yikes.

And sure, that gives Redd an opportunity to threaten them with her blunderbuss and prove that she don't take no crap from no man, but guys? It's 2018. Scenarios where a woman demands respect from men who haven't been giving it to her is so...early 90s. Let's have some more scenarios where women get equal respect in the first place, because it never even occurs to anyone to do things otherwise, yeah?

So where does that leave us? In something of a holding pattern, really. No, Pirates of the Caribbean is not RUINED FOREVER, but it's been left a little weirder and a little less perfect. On balance, though, I'm glad it's done...if nothing else, now we can stop worrying about it.

* As well as—I am not making this up—a spoof reference in an episode of Pinky and the Brain.

** Not that it was ever needed where this ride is concerned.

*** Putting a park character on the same level as movie characters? Yes please!