50 Bad Ideas for the Haunted Mansion's 50th

Anniversaries creep up on you sometimes, don't they? At least in this case, the subject of the anniversary has the excuse of always being somewhat creepy. By most counts, the adored Haunted Mansion hits the big Five-Oh on August 9^th of this year, and...people don't seem to be talking about it much. I suppose Galaxy's Edge is overshadowing it, both in the literal sense of Disney not doing much to promote it because they have this other thing going on, and Annual Passholders like myself (who would otherwise plan to turn up in droves to have our own promotion) having perused the park's calendar and found that our APs are blocked until at least mid-August in order to leave room for those massive Star Wars crowds.*

Or maybe people are talking about it, just not where I can hear them.

In any case, the chances that I will be able to properly celebrate this momentous event are looking pretty slim, so in lieu of that, here's a snarky list of 50 things that Disney and/or Doom Bugs** should definitely not do to mark the occasion.

First, the corporate side:

1. Paint all the Doom Buggies gold.
2. Temporarily revert back to the original version of the ride...including less room in the queue, seizure-inducing changing portraits, and a Hatbox Ghost that doesn't work.
3. Switch out the Doom Buggy narration for Paris's version. In French.
4. Switch out the Doom Buggy narration for the narration from Adventure Thru Inner Space.
5. Switch out the Doom Buggy narration for seven and a half minutes of dubstep.
6. Install Haunted Mansion Holiday a month early!***
7. Turn the attraction inside-out—ghosts and decay all over the facade and queue, while the inside is pristine and normal.
8. Close the ride for the day, erect a giant screen out in front, and show the 2003 movie adaptation instead.
9. Give small-caliber handguns to every 50^th rider and tell them to give the Ballroom spider some friends!
10. Install clones of the WDW Mansion's interactive queue and Hitchhiking Ghost animations.
11. Hold a merch event where people get to walk through the ride sets and just take stuff.
12. Station a Cast Member inside each Doom Buggy to talk loudly the whole time, pointing out individual effects and describing how they work.
13. Station a Cast Member inside each Doom Buggy to provide a Jungle Cruise-style running commentary.
14. Hide 50 themed silhouettes of Yale Gracey throughout the ride and challenge guests to find them all!
15. Reprogram the Doom Buggies to swivel away from all the show scenes.
16. Plus the show by releasing 999 live rats in the attraction.
17. Post “Hitchhiking Ghost” face characters at the exit of the parking structure. Instruct them to carjack anyone who slows down to take photos.
18. Treat guests to the “naked truth” about the Mansion by undressing all the animatronics.
19. Simply remove all of the animatronics and explain that ghosts are supposed to be invisible.
20. Re-route the queue so that it goes in through the exit and down the speedramp past Little Leota, and guests board at Unload and then disembark at Load. Call it the “backstage tour.”
21. Add Eddie Murphy animatronics to several scenes. (Hey, it “worked” for Pirates...)
22. Replace every instance of a specific number in the ride, printed or spoken (the clock face, “one or two loved ones,” etc.) with 50.
23. Block off the show scenes with mural-sized reproductions of their respective concept art.
24. Block off the show scenes with mural-sized reproductions of concept art that never went anywhere.
25. Only allow people born in 1969 to ride.

And now for the fans' half of the list. (Many thanks to my sister for helping me fill out this part.) This is itself split into two parts: first things not to do at Disneyland, and then things not to do if, like (probably) me, you can't make it on August 9.

(Necessary disclaimer: Literally DO NOT do any of these.)

26. Team up with other Mansion fans, form a human chain across the entrance to Galaxy's Edge, and refuse to let anyone enter unless they show proof of already having ridden the Mansion that day. (A selfie taken in a Doom Buggy should suffice.)
27. Citing claustrophobia, demand to walk through the attraction in the name of accessibility.
28. Scatter ashes in the Mansion...not a cremated loved one, just dump your car's ashtray out in the Corridor of Doors.
29. Smuggle a hatchet on the ride with you and give Constance a taste of her own medicine.
30. Ride as many rides in the park as possible, reciting part or all the Ghost Host's spiel for each. With a bullhorn, if necessary.
31. Ride as many rides in the park as possible, visiting City Hall after each and leaving a review that suggests making it more like the Haunted Mansion in some aspect or another.
32. Buy every piece of Haunted Mansion merch you can lay hands on. Not one of each: the park's entire inventory. If you don't have that much money (and who does?)...steal it.
33. Ask the maids and butlers if the ghosts are real. Challenge their answer no matter what it is.
34. Take the biggest scaredy-cat preschooler you know to the park and force them to ride the Mansion.
35. Stand by the exit of the ride and complain to anyone who will listen, as well as anyone who won't listen, that the Haunted Mansion is: 1) too scary, 2) not scary enough, 3) the right amount of scary but doesn't include Chernabog from Fantasia, 4) all of the above.
36. Get in a Doom Buggy by yourself, pull your legs up onto the seat, and take a nap.
37. Literally die, on the off chance that you will become a ghost.
38. Hijack whatever public-address system exists at your workplace and use it to play the ride soundtrack on a continuous loop all day.
39. Speak only in quotes from the ride for the entire day. Don't explain yourself afterward.
40. Redecorate your entire house in the style of the Mansion. But just for the one day. The next day, change it back.
41. Legally change your name to Ezra, Phineas, Gus, Leota, or Constance.
42. Cosplay a character or Cast Member from the ride all day. If anyone asks what you're dressed as or why, express the deepest offense and stomp off.
43. Call your government representatives repeatedly and demand they make August 9 a national holiday.
44. Do your impression of a pop-up spook all day. Pick a hiding place and stick with it, springing up to scare anyone who passes.
45. Respond to anything you are shown—a photograph, a restaurant menu, a haircut—with “Needs more Hatbox Ghost.”
46. Refer to all vehicles as Doom Buggies for the day, e.g. “Be right back, I left something in my Doom Buggy,” “What's that noise? Is there a Doom Buggy hovering over the building?” and so on.
47. Knock on doors in your neighborhood and evangelize the Gospel of Master Gracey.
48. Call the office of Guillermo del Toro and leave a threatening voicemail demanding he hurry up and make his version of the movie.
49. Lobby the City of Anaheim to have the Mansion condemned and demolished on the grounds that have you seen what it looks like inside?
50. Spend an embarrassing amount of time making a list of 50 things not to do for the 50^th Anniversary of the Haunted Mansion.

* Which apparently are not as massive as expected? What is even happening around here?

** A name for Mansion fans, courtesy of the Long-Forgotten Haunted Mansion blog.

*** Don't let this get out; those bozos might actually do this one.