Some Pet Peeves

As much as I love Disneyland, there are some things about it that just...bug me. They aren't travesties. They aren't even necessarily negatives, objectively speaking. They just bug me. This post is going to be somewhat ranty—a Disneyland Dilettantrum, if you will—but given the nature of most of the pet peeves, consider it a plea for additional creativity.

Source Materials: The Wildlife of Primeval World

If you enjoy my Sentimental Paleontology posts, you'll love this one—it's about actual paleontology! Dinosaurs, man! Who doesn't love dinosaurs?

I love dinosaurs. And that's why I've always had a special place in my heart for the Primeval World Diorama. You can keep your Fun Facts^TM about the New York World's Fair and the Ford Magic Skyway and the world record for the longest diorama display. All that stuff is important, but it pales in comparison to the simple fact that: Dinosaurs.

But are they...accurate dinosaurs? No. No they are not. We can get that out of the way right off the bat. The Primeval World diorama contains animatronic figures built in the mid-60s, many of them riffing off an animated movie that came out in 1940. At best, they reflect the paleontological consensus of the times, filtered through the sensibilities of animators and other artists who were not necessarily scientifically literate, let alone scientists.

So just how bad is it? Let's find out. While grinning like an eight-year-old at the Natural History Museum, because dinosaurs.

Blogiversary Special!!! The Last Three Years in (Brief) Review

Today marks the third anniversary of the launch of the Disneyland Dilettante. I know, right? Looking back, this blog has certainly had its ups and downs…but then so has the Disneyland Resort.

Is it time to go year by year? I think it’s time to go year by year.

2015

The big deal in 2015 was, of course, Disneyland’s Diamond Anniversary, which this blog celebrated with the 60 Diamonds project. My aim back then was to find something enjoyable that began at Disneyland each year it had been in operation, and—crucially—that was still there to be enjoyed in the present. I made it, even if I had to fudge the definition of “began” from time to time…but in pretty short order, some of my Diamonds started dropping off the map. Looking through the list now is a pretty sobering experience.

The Diamond Anniversary itself was…fine, I guess. I can give—no pun intended—glowing reviews to the Paint the Night parade and the new iteration of World of Color…but on the whole, it paled in comparison to the 50th Anniversary. It just didn’t get anywhere near the same level of celebratory spectacle. I was particularly disappointed with the new fireworks show, Disneyland Forever, which hardly had anything to do with Disneyland per se and deserved neither the title nor the auspicious release timing.

It’s worth noting, of course, that the Diamond Anniversary wasn’t the only thing going on in 2015. Two important rides received important upgrades. The Matterhorn’s Yeti was turbo-charged into a more state-of-the-art, scarier monster, complete with a sense of backstory. Even more momentous, the Haunted Mansion saw the re-introduction of its long-lost Hatbox Ghost…now with technology that, you know, works!

Sadly, at the end of the year, the wheels were set in motion for the construction of the Star Wars themed area (still in progress). I have made my peace with the fact that Galaxy’s Edge is going to be a thing, and I will even allow that it’s probably going to be a very cool thing. But dangit, the loss of Big Thunder Ranch still stings.

2016

I'm going to go ahead and call 2016 The Year of Star Wars Harshing Our Disneyland Buzz. Not only did the aforementioned start of construction result in half of Frontierland shutting down and the Disneyland Railroad going on a long hiatus, but the supposedly temporary Season of the Force overlay in Tomorrowland just hung around for the entire year. Space Mountain became an X-Wing battle adventure, the Carousel Theater became a museum, the Magic Eye Theater started showing something called Path of the Jedi,* and the Jedi Training Academy...continued.

I didn't spend much time in Tomorrowland that year.

The Resort as a whole mostly just chugged along in 2016, but California Adventure finished strong by introducing the Festival of Holidays and World of Color: Season of Light, both of which came back for a second round this past holiday season.

And then they closed the Tower of Terror. It was as if millions of palms suddenly hit millions of faces in exasperation, and were just as suddenly ignored.

2017

If 2015 was a net positive and 2016 an overall holding pattern, 2017 was a mixed bag. Guardians of the Galaxy: Mission Breakfast Breakdance Breakout opened where the Tower of Terror once had been, and was an instant smash hit despite being one of the most pointless attraction revamps in theme park history. Also, John Lasseter announced plans to plaster Pixar characters over the entirety of Paradise Pier and pretend it's a “theme.”

But on the other hand, the Rivers of America and Disneyland Railroad re-opened, all shiny and new and not half bad considering the changes that had to be made to make room for Star Wars. And speaking of shiny...

NO

...they brought back the actual, legitimate Main Street Electrical Parade for several months. As gifts to fans go, that's a pretty sweet one.

On the other other hand...Pirates. Ordinarily, the announcement that Pirates of the Caribbean's infamous wench auction scene would be redesigned to be less, um, human trafficky, would have me thinking “Well, let's wait and see.” But the changes have already taken place in Paris, and reports from discerning guests are that the new version is not only boring and nonsensical, but defeats its own purpose—sure, the redhead is no longer being sold at auction, but neither is she subtly, smugly in control of the situation. I have mixed feelings about the prospect of changing the scene to begin with, but...they damn well better figure out how to reconcile contemporary values with the needs of art before the finest theme park attraction ever built is irrevocably altered for the worse.

So where does all this leave us, as of 2018? Based on the reactions of some fans to the above plans for the parks...nowhere good. People are outright leaving the Disney theme park fandom over stuff like this. Once-prolific blogs are falling by the wayside. I don't want the Disneyland Dilettante to be one of them, but I have to admit that maintaining a weekly posting schedule is nowhere near as effortless as it once was.

That's why I am announcing a new offshoot of this blog: The Disneyland Dilettante on Tumblr! I will still do my best to bring you new content here every week, but whether I succeed or not, I'll be maintaining the conversation with other theme park fans over there.

Here's to the future!

* A retrospective on the film franchise, I think?

After-Action Report: Disabled at Disneyland

Yes, the blog is still on hiatus due to Yours Truly's knee injury, but this topic intimately concerns said injury, so I figured I'd throw you a bone. (All, what, three of you?) I may do this from time to time until I'm properly back in the saddle and can commit to a weekly schedule again. The point is, a torn ACL, etc. is no excuse to cancel previously existing theme park plans, so the other day I got to undergo the Disneyland Wheelchair Experience.

My challenge was in fact twofold: 1) a complete inability to put weight on my left leg, and 2) this big honking immobilizing brace they're having me wear until further notice, additionally preventing me from bending said leg...unless I take it off, which is technically an option, but one I want to avoid as much as possible. I mention this because it serves as a contrast with my previous secondhand glimpses of the Disneyland Wheelchair Experience, with a party member who could walk, just not for hours at a time. No ride or attraction need be off-limits to such an individual. I knew from the outset that my situation was going to be a bit more dire than that.

So how did it work out? Here are some of the highlights. And lowlights.

After-Action Report: The Frontier Re-Opens!

“...a sound broke out over the gently rippling water. In fact it was a sound that they had heard several times since entering Frontierland without thinking anything of it…because never during fifty years of their experience, except for comparatively brief stretches involving maintenance, had Frontierland been without it. It was almost background noise, a sound they took for granted. Its absence would have been a deafening clamor.

It was the low, mellow blast of the steam whistle on a paddlewheel-driven riverboat.”

– Crowns of the Kingdom Chapter 6, “Weirdness in the Wild West”

It may be the height of arrogance to quote one's own writing, but while planning this post and trying to come up with the best way to explain what it has been like to be without the Mark Twain—and the Columbia and the Disneyland Railroad and the rest—since January of 2016, I realized that...I already had. Their absence has been a deafening clamor. Disneyland isn't quite itself without these 100% classic attractions...particularly the steamboat and steam train, Opening Day originals.

It's been especially disconcerting because we've known the whole time that when they re-opened, these rides would be drastically—and permanently—altered. New construction around the edges of the park has affected the Disneyland Railroad before, of course, but never quite on this scale. We've been hearing a lot about how the train now turns left for the first! time! ever! as if that were something genuinely exciting. Me? I wasn't sure anything could make up for the fact that Tom Sawyer Island and the Rivers of America themselves have been truncated in order to free up land for Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge.

So now that I've seen it all...how is it? So glad you asked...

The Trains of Disneyland

Among his many, many, many interests, Walt Disney was passionately in love with trains. Rail enthusiasm is a fairly common hobby, of course, but even among the many people with the inclination to build model railways, only a slim handful are dedicated enough to build an actual steam-powered rideable one in their backyard. Small wonder, then, that one of the inaugural attractions Walt planned for Disneyland was a train ride even more impressive than the Carolwood Pacific. Or that many more trains joined it in the years that followed.

This is a post about those trains. That's all—no deep philosophy or scathing opinions, just some warm and fuzzy feelings toward this surprisingly common attraction type. Think of it as part After-Action Report and part Sentimental Paleontology, with a big dollop of See Ya Real Soon added to the mix.

To be clear, I'm only talking about trains that are presented as trains. The Space Mountain vehicles technically qualify as trains but are presented as rockets.

All abooooaaaarrrrrrd!

Beyond Blue Sky: The Building Blocks Of Magic, Part 2

(Don't worry, I promise this will not turn into a LEGO blog.)

So the Genie or the Blue Fairy or somebody must have bugged my apartment back in March, because the news has broken that the LEGO Company will release a Disney castle later this year! It's going to be Cinderella's Castle from Orlando, not Sleeping Beauty Castle, but a) I predicted this in the earlier post, and b) I'll buy it anyway if I can remotely justify the expense. I want to send a clear message to the decision-makers in charge of this stuff that Disney theme park LEGO sets are a VERY GOOD idea.

And because my imagination is a naive optimist, it's taking this news and running wild with more ideas for other Disneyland-based sets. Bear with me while I geek out some more?

Beyond Blue Sky – Four Disneyland Headcanons

Disneyland tells a lot of stories...a lot of extremely incomplete stories. Even the longest, most intricately designed ride hasn't enough time and space to give us all the details. We're left with a sharply abridged narrative, or perhaps even just a series of vignettes with no explicit “plot” to connect them.

It's like I keep saying: this park is awesome.

A story told piecemeal is practically an engraved invitation to fill in the gaps with your own interpretations, speculations, and headcanons.* These bits of fanfiction might be as simple as names assigned to animatronic characters who don't have official ones, or as elaborate as a “how they met” story for all 17 Country Bears. The vast majority will probably fall somewhere in the middle.

Here are four of mine.

60 Disneyland Diamonds: 1966-1975

60 Disneyland Diamonds for the Diamond Anniversary continues! If this is your first time reading this blog, first of all, where have you been? Second of all, you can find the introduction to the 60 Diamonds premise here and the first ten here. And now, on to the second decade's worth!